you saw hope in the hopeless
by splendidlyimperfect
Summary: Natsu's struggling with depression, and Gray loves him even in the dark places. / **part of the 'only hope for me is you' universe, see profile for links**


_TW for depression & self-harm_

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Gray knew something was wrong as soon as he opened the front door.

The apartment was a mess – Natsu's sketchbook lay face-down on the couch, pencils scattered around it, three empty coffee cups making a neat triangle on the end table. What was concerning, though, was that the bedroom door was closed – Happy was scratching at it and meowing. Natsu never locked out Happy.

Gray quickly kicked off his shoes, and as he moved toward the bedroom, he could hear Natsu sobbing. His heart sunk when he pushed open the door and saw Natsu curled up under the blankets in the middle of the bed.

"Sweetheart?" Gray settled down on the side of the bed, pulling back the covers just enough to see Natsu curled up underneath them. Natsu's shoulders were shaking and his face was buried in the pillow to muffle his sobs. "What's wrong, _mon coeur?"_

Natsu didn't respond, just pulled tighter in on himself, digging his fingers into his biceps and pulling his knees to his stomach.

"C'mere," Gray said softly, sliding under the blankets and reaching out an arm to Natsu. To his surprise, Natsu shook his head and scrambled backwards, dragging the pillow with him and using it to cover his face.

"Go 'way." Natsu's voice was shaky and he hiccupped before burying his face back in the pillow to muffle a loud sob. Gray watched helplessly as Natsu's entire body tensed with the anguished sound.

"Are you hurt?" Gray asked softly, lying down but keeping his distance. Natsu didn't answer, just pulled away from the pillow just long enough to suck in a shaky breath. His chest heaved as he cried and Gray's heart ached. "Did you hurt yourself?"

Natsu didn't answer and Gray exhaled shakily, reaching out for his husband.

"I'm s-sorry," Natsu sobbed. He let Gray touch his arm but refused to make eye contact. More tears streaked his cheek as he wept, and Gray could see a dark patch on the pillow where Natsu's face had been.

"It's okay," Gray murmured, running his fingers up and down Natsu's arm while he looked for injuries. Natsu seemed unharmed, but his left arm was hidden underneath the pillow and Gray _knew_. His heart hurt. "I'm not mad, sweetheart. It's okay."

"'m stupid," Natsu insisted, tugging weakly at his arm. "C-can't- I fucked up, I just- I'm sorry."

Gray shuffled closer and brought his hand up to Natsu's cheek, wiping his thumb through the tears and brushing his fingers through Natsu's hair. Natsu whimpered and turned away from the touch.

"Shh," Gray said softly, stroking Natsu's hair. "Whatever happened, it's okay. You're not stupid."

"I AM!" Natsu shouted, voice cracking. "'m stupid and broken an- and I hate my s-stupid brain and I j-just wanna- it's too much an' I don't wanna _be_ anymore."

Gray could feel himself starting to cry as he wrapped an arm around Natsu and pulled him into a tight embrace. Natsu's shoulders shook under Gray's hands, deep sobs wracking his body as he fell apart against Gray.

"I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, sweetheart," Gray murmured, running his fingers up and down Natsu's back. He thought back to the past week – Natsu had been a bit down, sure, but Gray had no idea it was this bad. "Talk to me. I'm scared for you."

"'s why I d-didn't wanna s-say anything," Natsu hiccupped, fingers tight in Gray's shirt. "I th-though I c-could- and I d-don't want you to leave."

 _"Mon coeur, je ne te laisserai jamais."_ Gray kissed the top of Natsu's head, holding him tightly.

"Y-you- everyone, they always- always said th-they couldn't d-deal with me anymore." Natsu pressed his forehead against Gray's chest and sniffled. "'m too much, I- one day you're gonna be s-sick of me t-too."

"Never," Gray whispered. "I promise."

"You don't _know_ that," Natsu insisted, taking deep, shaky breaths. "I'm- this isn't g-gonna go away, 'm gonna be sick forever an' I'm s-so sick of being _sick_ , f-fuck, I h-hate this."

"I know," Gray murmured against Natsu's hair. It was stifling under the blanket and he wanted to pull it away so they could breathe, but he knew Natsu wasn't ready. "It's not your fault, love."

"I'm so _tired,"_ Natsu whispered, fresh tears spilling over his cheeks. He let them fall, then added, "I did hurt myself." His voice was so quiet and Gray could feel the shame that seeped into the words.

"It's okay," Gray said, swallowing against his own tears. "I'm not angry. I love you."

"Wh-why?" Natsu demanded tearily. "I'm b-broken, wh-what's there to-"

"You're not broken," Gray said, pulling back a bit and looking down at Natsu's tear-stained face. "I know you feel that way but you're not, you- you make my life so bright, you're kind and sweet and caring and _so many people_ love you so much."

Natsu made a soft, wounded noise and let go of Gray's shirt, wrapping his arm around his own stomach instead. Gray wiped at Natsu's tears as they fell, and he kissed Natsu's forehead.

"Your brain is lying to you," Gray murmured. "It's telling you these things- that you don't deserve love, that you're not wanted or needed, that you need to hurt yourself. Those are lies, and I know it's hard to remember that, but that's why I'm here."

"Y-you deserve better," Natsu whispered. Gray shook his head vehemently.

"I don't want _better_. I want you. Even if you're sad or scared or angry. We can be sad together, you don't have to- to feel like you have to be okay for me. I'm here because I love all of you."

Slowly, Natsu's sobs petered out into shaky breaths, and he let Gray pull him back into an embrace. Gray tugged the duvet back after a few minutes and they lay together for a long time, breathing quietly and watching the late afternoon light drag across the bedroom.

"'m sorry," Natsu mumbled as the sun began to disappear. Gray sighed, sitting up and motioning for Natsu to join him. Natsu slowly pulled his arm out from under the pillow, then pushed himself to sitting and held his wrist out to Gray, eyes on the duvet.

Gray bit back a sad sound as he took Natsu's hand in his, running his thumb along the dark red patches of skin that had been scratched away around Natsu's wrist. It was already starting to scab over, but it needed to be bandaged.

"I love all of you," Gray murmured, kissing Natsu's palm. "I'm gonna go get the first aid kit, okay?"

Natsu didn't react as Gray stood up, and when Gray returned from the bathroom, Natsu was still staring blankly at the wall.

"You hungry?" Gray asked softly. Natsu barely winced as Gray cleaned the area, then bandaged it. When Natsu saw that Gray had used the Star Wars bandaids that they kept here for Sylvie, he let out a sound that was part-laugh, part-sob.

"I don't- she's gonna ask wh-why I-" Natsu covered his face with this hands and groaned. "She's old enough- t-to-"

"It's okay," Gray murmured, running his hands up and down Natsu's thighs. "Sylvie's been with you through a lot, right? She was there when you were in the hospital last year, she knows that you're sick and it's not your fault. She's a smart kid."

"B-but-"

"Natsu." Gray brushed Natsu's bangs out of his face – they were sweaty and clung to his skin – and ran a thumb over Natsu's cheekbone. "Breathe, sweetheart. Why don't you have a shower?"

Natsu leaned into Gray's touch. "C-could you- would you mind…"

"You want me to shower with you?" Gray smiled gently when Natsu nodded. "Of course."

Gray tolerated the scalding heat of the shower as they stood under the spray together. Natsu dropped his forehead to Gray's shoulder when Gray began to lather up his hair, and the bathroom filled with the scent of coconut. Gray could feel the tension slowly bleeding out of Natsu's shoulders as the hot water trickled down his back, and by the time they got out and Gray brought Natsu a pair of sweatpants and one of his own hoodies, Natsu was almost smiling.

"You wanna watch a movie?" Gray asked, leading Natsu out to the living room and settling him onto the couch. Natsu quietly accepted the pillow and blanket that Gray handed him and shook his head.

"Read to me?" he asked quietly. Gray smiled softly, running his fingers through Natsu's hair.

"Of course," he said, grabbing their latest book – _Howl's Moving Castle_ – from the coffee table.

Natsu looked up at Gray, shuffling over to make room for him on the couch. "You look cute with your glasses," he said. Gray rolled his eyes as he settled in behind Natsu, draping his legs on either side of his husband and leaning back into the corner of the couch.

"You say that every time I wear them," he replied. "I've been thinking about just using them instead of the contacts all the time."

"You should," Natsu said as he leaned back against Gray's chest. "I like them."

"I like you," Gray replied, pressing an upside-down kiss to Natsu's forehead and opening the book, resting it on Natsu's stomach. He tugged out the bookmark, then started to read. _"Chapter Six: In which Howl expresses his feelings with green slime."_

Natsu snorted, wriggling a bit until he was laying with his head tucked under Gray's chin and both of Gray's arms wrapped around him. There was a _mrowwl_ as Happy jumped up onto the couch, turning in circles several times before settling into a purring mass on Natsu's stomach.

Natsu sighed, breath still shaky from crying, and scratched behind Happy's ears. As Gray started to read, he kept his finger at the spot where they'd started, knowing it would only be a few minutes before Natsu fell asleep.

When Natsu's breaths evened out and his head pressed heavily against Gray's chest, Gray set the book down and wrapped his arms tightly around Natsu.

"You brighten everything," he whispered, repeating the vows he'd said two years ago at their wedding. "You find the light in the dark places; you make me more than just a broken thing." Natsu mumbled something and shifted until his lips were pressed to Gray's neck. Gray sighed, holding tight to the person he loved most in the world.

"I love you so much," he murmured, "and I will always give you all of me."

* * *

 **French Translations**

mon couer = my love  
Mon coeur, je ne te laisserai jamais = I will never leave you, my love


End file.
